Choosing True Love
For the past year, after completing my 10 year marriage, I have been choosing a truer love into my life. As I study what true love is, I realize every relationship I have had thus far has been a step closer to True Love. Since I began choosing true love, I feel myself “coming home” to a blissful purity of loving in myself, and my relationships with family, friends and clients feel more sincerely loving. Simultaneously, I have also gone through an accelerated cleansing, as any learned old patterns of false love have become exposed to be transformed.
I have noticed many people are waiting for true love to happen to them, and it never does, or maybe for a while and then apparently lost. And so the person may say, “It was my destiny to not enjoy lasting true love with a soul mate.” This brings up the question,: Which is more true, destiny or free will?
Destiny versus Free Will
The ascended master St. Germain says: “Our lives are the result of our choices, period. “ There are many influences – no doubt, but we always have a choice how affected we are by various influences. One can choose, “I am free of my ancestors DNA,” and if they live by that choice, they will blaze their own path without the family baggage holding them back. The person will not remain stuck, repeating the same relationship patterns as their parents.
It seems to me, one of the pitfalls of the spiritual path is the strong belief in destiny as an excuse to not create. I’m not saying destiny doesn’t exist, but I believe it is widely misunderstood. Destiny is the soul’s higher choices that the person may not be aware of. It’s your destiny to have been born to the parents you chose.
When you realize that you chose your family and entire youth experience for your growth and healing, you let go of victimhood, and allow yourself to learn the lessons, as what our students do at I AM U.
While destiny (the Soul’s choice) plays a bigger factor during youth, during adulthood, the Soul steps back to give the person a blank canvas to create on. This is what it means to be a conscious adult, to be the sole creator of your own life, which results from your day-to-day choices.
Destiny and free will appear to operate independently of one another until one awakens to a higher perspective. Every Soul’s final destiny for us is to get free of any karma and have our most fulfilling dreams come true. Exactly when this will happen for each of us is a big question, because we each are at free will to choose whatever.
I’ve seen a number of wishy-washy spiritual people here in Mount Shasta who say they have no desire or preference, and they just let spirit guide them. It seems to me, by not making clear choices for themselves, their lives continue to be in limbo. And there is nothing wrong about that, as every experience has value for our growth and learning. However, our Ascended Masters tell us that almost all choices are made at the personal self – ego level, not at the Soul and I am level. Why? Because this is how we evolve. We get to experience our fear-based choices and our soul-inspired choices and with experience we become wiser to make more soul-inspired choices, which is really the same thing as choosing that which increases our happiness, because our Soul is happiness. To avoid making a choice out of fear of making the wrong choice is to slow down our evolution. Being indecisive and asking God, higher self, or your spirit guides to make a choice for you doesn’t work, it keeps you stuck. Your higher power will give you inspiring insights if you ask, but the final choice is always yours at the ground level. There are really no wrong choices, because every choice contributes to your learning, growth, and wisdom.
Most of us humans have been programmed to make few choices, and at times we believe we don’t have a choice. And so we allow others to make choices for us. And when that choice does not serve, we blame that entity for stealing our power, when the real issue is that we gave our power away all along. To be fully conscious and empowered is to realize you are choosing everything in your life, and thus become more deliberate chooser.
As one makes soul-inspired choices that serve their authentic happiness, their path of free-will joins with their path of destiny to have their karma cleared and most fulfilling dreams come true. Free will and destiny become one and the same.
Today, I am awake enough to realize I created all my past relationships. When I was younger I was most unconscious to what I was attracting, and that was painful at times, but I did not give up. I kept choosing again. Some people have a heart break, and say “never again,” and so they remain single the rest of their life.
I feel it is beautiful to know that choice itself is an act of creation. As soon as you choose something, it has already been created. It has already come from infinite potential into a subtle energy form, and if you keep believing in this choice and allow it, it will strengthen and condense into physical form. My recommendation, no matter what, keep believing in your constructive choices, and your dreams will come true.
To choose what you want in your life is an act of self love, and the more self-love you have, the more love you have to give others. We can only love others as ourselves, not more or less.
So, having a long term loving relationship with your perfect beautiful soul mate, is a choice you can make for yourself, even if your mind currently believes it is impossible. And, when I say perfect, I mean the perfect for your growth. As soon as you make that choice in your heart to draw to yourself that perfect person you are wildly attracted to, he/she has already been created! And, if you keep nurturing this choice, you will finally start actually believing it can happen, and then one day, low and behold, he/she will appear in your life.
Choosing is Not Controlling
Choosing does not mean controlling outcomes. We choose, and then allow the universe to bring us that choice in divine timing. Sometimes the universe takes us in the direction that appears opposite to the choices we are making. For example, to have a truly healthy happy relationship with a partner requires one to be solidly centered in oneSelf. And so while the ego may be choosing to have a loving partner, the soul gives the person an experience of solitude because it knows having time of self integration is the fastest path to meeting and anchoring a lasting loving relationship with a soul mate.
To misinterpret this situation is to say, “It’s my destiny to be alone the rest of my years because that is what God is making me do.” This keeps a person stuck because they lost trust in their choice and faith in their higher power to give them what they chose. It was their original choice to attract a beautiful soul mate relationship that had their higher power give them solitude as a form of preparation for their dream to be realized. The lesson here is the person must keep believing in their choice no matter what is happening for that ideal outcome to be eventually be manifested. God wants you to get what you want – to realize yourself as a Creator made in his/her image.
Many long-time researchers studying long term true love have come to an interesting conclusion:
People who believe that true love is destined are less likely to achieve it.
One study compared people who believe more in destined soulmates versus those who gave more weight to “working it out.” The result was, those who believed more in destined soulmates do one of two things: They leave the relationship when the going get’s tough, or they unconsciously create what is called a Fantasy Bond, a long lasting relationship without true love. In a fantasy bond, couples are just going through the motions with each other because their fear of loneliness, fear of conflict, and fear of the future out weigh their ability to communicate their real feelings and work-out their differences.
The 3 Key components of a Fantasy Bond are:
- Loss of Intimacy
– Little eye contact
– Boring or routine lovemaking, with no playfulness or surprise
– Little communication - Loss of Identity
Your “I” has become a “we” in all aspects of your life. Your identity and your independence have disappeared, and you no longer see yourself as an independent entity from your partner.
This means you no longer appreciate the differences between each other, and instead just feel both of your identities as a singular blob.
Signs you have lost your identity are
– you speak as one person, saying “we” for everything
– You have no hobbies or areas of your life that are totally separate
– You don’t care to learn new things about your partner because you feel you know everything, and vice versa.
- Loss of Spontaneity and Surprise
-Your behaviors are determined by your roles rather than what you actually want to do
– Your week is filled with weekly routines that you haven’t bothered to change in years
– You find yourself saying the same things, the same lines, and talking about the same subjects
Bottom line, those who rely on destiny, and don’t do the work, don’t get to enjoy the rewards of True Love.
And, according to this study, couples who communicate well to work out their challenges decades later would have the same brain chemistry of the passionate love they felt when they first met!
This study suggests true love of soul mate relationship is earned day by day, week by week, month by month, and year by year by two people who are individuals in their own right.
Our vibration must harmonically resonate with that we choose to manifest. If we want true love, we got to become it for ourselves and live it with all our relations. As I have been choosing True Love over the past year, those parts of myself that have been acting-out a form of false love have come-up to be cleared. Let’s now look at the difference between true love and false love.
Qualities of True Love versus False Love
- Total Responsibility for one’s own needs vs codependence
Need is not love. True love is the wholeness of self love shared. Self love includes loving one’s own body, feelings (inner child), intelligence, and precious Soul. Being in True Love requires one to live in sovereignty. Only then can one’s love be pure to another. - Non-defensiveness and openness vs. angry reactions to feedback
When one is committed to their growth, there is nothing to defend, only compassionate learning. - Open to trying something new vs. closed to new experiences
True love requires us to expand beyond who we that we were. It’s being fully alive, bold, and adventurous. Many people choose a safe relationship, someone they know they can settle down with, but they wind-up being couch potatoes watching movies, or something like that. True love is going to call all that you are forward to be all you can be. - Honesty and integrity vs. deception
Even the “white lies” get us in trouble. True love requires no hiding what so ever. True love is absolute honesty, because the person is committed to using every challenge for growth and learning. - Respect for the others boundaries, priorities and goals vs. overstepping boundaries
Needy people overstep boundaries. True love requires one to take full responsibility for one’s own needs so one can respect others needs. Thinking and speaking for “We” instead of “I”, can lead to assumptions and conflict because the person is not really checking in with self. Each person must take full responsibility for self. A true love relationship can only stand on two strong pillars. - Physical affection and personal sexuality vs. lack of affection and inadequate, impersonal, or routine sexuality
We all long to be touched and enjoyed in a truly loving way. To feel the soul’s passionate love embodied is a human need. The sexual encounter is meant to be an ecstatic union between the polar opposites that is regenerative on all levels. Everyone deserves to feel the true love of their soul physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually via loving touch with oneself and/or with another. Many people feel wounded around sex, as they are either avoiding it to not open pandora’s box or addicted to it as a way of avoiding true intimacy. True love allows all wounds to be seen and healed via honesty, respect, loving touch, and passion. - Understanding vs. misunderstanding
True love requires truly listening to Self and another. Your listening guides you what to say. If you want to be understood, take the time to understand yourself and others, and this opens the space for others to understand you. - Non-controlling, non-manipulative and nonthreatening behaviors vs. manipulations of dominance and submission
True love requires us to surrender our attachments. The ego strives to be in control, but the fact is, we cannot control another’s behavior. Whenever we try to do so, our plans eventually backfire because they are going to feel manipulated. True love challenges partners to accept each other as they are rather than try to change them. - Compassion versus Negative Projection and Judgment
Big Love brings up old hurts, what feels unlovable in self and other. When we are in defense of our perceived weaknesses, it’s too easy to judge the other’s weaknesses as a form of protection. For example, if one partner doesn’t feel good enough, he/she may see their partner and the world as not good enough as a compulsive way to not own and heal their own feelings of inadequacy. Judgments destroy relationships. We need room to fail. Practicing forgiveness for how one judged others and oneself is a key to surviving the rough times. True lovers observe compassion for their own and other’s perceived limitations.
False love results from having a “Heart Wall.”
The heart wall are those unconscious ways we block, filter, avoid, defend ourselves from intimacy or cling to intimacy with another because we feel neglected, unworthy, untrusting, afraid of rejection, afraid of being controlled, or abused, etc. It was formed in our later years of youth and adolescence because the ones who loved us also hurt us in some way. There is no such thing as perfect parents.
With the heart wall intact (and just about everyone has one) our heart’s true love is mostly filtered out by trapped emotions and false beliefs. For example, I would give to my partner, but also keep score to see if my partner was giving back.
To be in true love is to give my best because I AM my best. My actions need to be fully loving because that is what I really am. To be unconditionally giving to self and others is to be Self realized. This is True love, like the Sun, giving without conditions. To live to give is to be in divine joy.
One service we offer at I AM U is clearing of the Heart Wall. This work has helped people find their soulmate and do the work! When the heart wall is gone, we become completely transparent. We can be radically honest about everything we are thinking, feeling, and doing. From the self protective ego’s point of view this level of vulnerability can feel terrifying. But it is in this energy of total transparency that one becomes a conduit to the Soul’s infinite love.
Core Characteristics of True Love
Independent
True Love starts with being true to yourself, not codependent. Are you loving your body, your inner child’s feelings, your sexuality, and your brilliant ideas, your purpose, etc? Are you finding value in your gifts to others? Are you laughing and playing? Are you enjoying time with friends? Are you managing money well? All these things must be happening first to create a partnership that is not codependent, but being a sovereign being that can share your “love overflow.”Independence not only allows both partners to keep their sense of self during long-term relationships, but it also allows them to avoid the neediness that so often dampens the romance in multi-year long relationships. People who aren’t independent end up relying too much on their partner, meaning even the most menial activities – from getting their own drinks from the kitchen to preparing their own clothes for the day – become expectations of the partner, rather than something they do on their own. And this neediness destroys any sense of sexual or erotic connection between two partners. Years of relying on one another changes the way two partners perceive each other, as it saps away all genuine desire to care for our partners.
Passionate
For any long-term relationship to work out, keeping the love going strong even years after the initial union, both partners in the relationship must have a passion they bring to the table.
A study from Stony Brook University found that researchers could accurately predict the future, long-term success of a relationship by judging only the level of passion exhibited by the partners involved, even if that passion is unrelated to the relationship itself.Why does this matter? Because people who understand the importance of maintaining strong emotion, zest, and desire in their own interests generally also have the same ability to transfer that energy into their relationship.Self Fulfilling
Being self-fulfilling means being aware of the things you need, the goals you need to accomplish, and the milestones you need to conquer to become your ideal self.
While anyone can list their dreams and goals, how many people actually actively work towards accomplishing these dreams and goals, every single day?
Not many; those that do can be considered self-fulfilling.
And this is one of the most important characteristics you and your partner must have to keep your true love alive.Your marriage or partnership should evolve beyond the base needs of safety, security, and companionship, and must become a union that both partners can use as a tool to further exercise their self-fulfillment.
You must view your companionship with your partner as something you ultimately need to become the best version of yourself you can be.
Only through that belief will you subconsciously work to keep it alive, investing the required resources to maintain a healthy partnership.
On the other hand you definitely don’t need to be perfect. One of the most delightful paradoxes of enlightenment is being able to love your quirky human self just as you are. And as you can unconditionally love yourself as you are now, you open the door for another’s love just as you are.
True love is letting go of fear. As we remain fully surrendered to our heart’s Loving, we compassionately realize fear in its many forms and disguises as the ridiculous illusion it really is.
True love is Divine. It’s bigger than you think. It is often bigger than how you want to love. Sometimes it will take you where you didn’t want to go. It will take you to that which appears unlovable so you can experience transformation from human reaction to your more expanded love without conditions.
When we are surrendered to our True Love, we are free. The only way to freedom is through love. There is no other way. Love is the lesson of life. When we have learned to love it all, even our “shit,” we can also love everyone else with their shit. Loving the unlovable is the compost that grows us the most -in this amazing garden of learning.
There becomes a point when I’m actually looking forward to the next test, because it feels so good to see love make a bigger and bigger difference transforming fear’s illusion in me and the world around me.
Once you keep choosing true love and embodying true love in yourself, a person who is a match to your true love frequency is going to walk into your life. To read more about that, be on the lookout for my next article: Meeting True Love.
Love and Blessings,
JOA