The Difference Between Healthy
and Unhealthy Sex
Avoiding sex is a trap for most people. How many spiritual “gurus”who claim celibacy have we seen in sexual scandals? When we neglect a human need, it tends to come in through the back door. Sex can be a beautiful energy exchange that rejuvenates the body, emotions, and mind, or a dark secret to be avoided and exploited.
So what is healthy sex? I love the answer given by two of my spiritual teachers:
“Anything goes, as long as love is present!”
Ron and Mary Hulnick of the University of Santa Monica
This funny, simple, and profound answer suggests a large number of possible techniques and wild positions,
But let us go deeper and ask, “How much is love present?” Is it a ton, a pound, or only an once? Sex can be a deep and profound sharing of intimacy or on the other end of the spectrum, a cool, casual encounter, between two complete strangers.
It seems to me the less love, the less fulfilling; the more love, the more fulling. Would you agree?
So then, what makes sex loving or not?
The quantity and quality of love shared is first determined by the attitude we bring to a sexual encounter to begin with. For example, I have noticed two kinds of horny: The hungry type, and the desire to celebrate one’s overflowing passion for life.
The hungry kind of horniness happens when one feels empty inside and is craving someone outside of themselves to fill their emotional void. This kind of lust shows up when one is not taken care of their own needs. It easily happens when we’re hungry, tired from overworking and lacking rest, emotionally upset, and/or intoxicated by alcohol or marijuana, or other drugs. At this lower state of consciousness, a person might sell out their integrity for cheap sex, whether that be an artificial intimacy –using pornography, or in the name of casual intimacy, the using of another person’s body to get a sexual fix. This is really energy stealing that always leaves each person feeling drained with lower self esteem after the initial high wears off.
The positive form of horniness comes from one who has been loving their own life, and feeling passionate about where they are going with their life. When we nurture ourselves and our creative passion, we eventually feel an overflow of life energy that we want to share – ideally with another passionate person. And when this happens, there can be an extra lasting rejuvenating energy that is enjoyed by both partners. But, to be honest, this kind of connection is rare, yet totally possible, if the person does the inner work that frees them from the energy stealing syndrome.
First of all, where we are coming from in our consciousness in our approach to intimacy and sex makes a huge difference – whether the energy exchange will be depleting or rejuvenating. The most powerful way I know of to embody one’s own passion in about one hour per week is what I call the Oneness Way, which I will share more about at the end of this article.
However, any one certain method is not the answer to everything. Living your whole life with passion is the goal. Instead of sellout for a compromised existence. Like most people, I invite you to ask yourself now, “How can I live a more passionate life? And then follow through with the answers that come from your intuition. Passion shows hip when you are following your bliss. You will feel an overflow of life energy, and then you’ll have something real to share with another.
Now let’s look at the quality of sexual encounter itself to compare what is depleting versus rejuvenating.
Sex was divinely designed to be one of the greatest joys and the greatest therapeutic tools for humans. But in today’s culture, there is tremendous energy stealing going on. Yes, even two people who supposedly love each other, having sex, most of the time, it is still energy stealing. There is such a heavy overlay in consciousness and humanity regarding sex that even if they don’t consciously attempt to steal energy while supposedly making love, that’s what they end up doing anyway. And after a while, sex becomes very unfulfilling for them from a heart level. But they’re getting a temporary blast of energy out of it, so they continue. They continue to expand their boundaries, so to speak. They add electronic devices, consume more alcohol or another drug.They go out looking for other partners, even if they’ve made a commitment to only one. They participate in pornography. They get into some very distorted and twisted forms of a very beautiful energy.
What is it that suppresses love’s expression? The many shades of fear.Tension in the body is a strong sign fear is present, a sign negative emotions are subconsciously running the show; emotions like fear of being abused, or on the other hand, impatience as one may feel in a rush to prove something or release tension. And then there are even heavier emotions like guilt and shame if there is a belief the encounter is not appropriate in some way. Instead, you need to be able to fully relax, and be yourselves with each other exactly as you are. to be emotionally honest. Offering acceptance of each others changing feelings and desires can become a beautiful rejuvenating energy exchange.
On the other hand, casual sex is often two people who are not willing or able to support each other through all that comes up in an intimate encounter. There is nothing wrong with this. But a soul will eventually out-grow these superficial encounters that are more about meeting a physical need than sharing love. Energy stealing is about not being fully present with each other. It’s more about getting what you want. It’s about getting off, like using a drug. It’s about making it to orgasm, and for some, it’s about getting it over with. It’s too mental and mechanical and objective. The ego mind becomes attached to its idea what good sex is. While fixated on the physical level, one can never have enough. always looking for a new and better experience, which can never feel fulfilled – until the heart opens.
It’s OK if there’s a lot of physical desire as long as the heart chakra is leading the way. The heart is our intuitive connection point. As we listen to its intelligence we can’t go wrong. The soul’s unconditional love that senses the highest good of all comes through the heart. When we feel this unconditional love for ourselves and others we are no longer lost in lower desire, and we can playfully enjoy our desires, and we know we are really safe and loved no matter what comes up.
Sex can trigger up trauma memories, and when two people are committed in their hearts to loving each other unconditionally, much healing of these memories can happen.
Tips for Rejuvenating Sex
- Rediscover passion in your own life first.
- Check the tendency to go for sex because you feel tension or upset, and find a more therapeutic option that can resolve the challenge first – (unless you have learned the Oneness Way which is sexual energy medicine regardless of how you feel.)
- Consciously decide to be intimate with someone only if it feels right in your heart, and you can clearly see your desire is welcomed.
- Slowly build the romance. This can happen by sharing a candle light meal, dancing, watching a sunset while holding hands, etc.
- Schedule at least one hour of private intimate time together. (Never be pressed by time.)
- Take a bath or shower together and wash each other’s entire bodies slowly with love.
- Create a romantic space with your choice of soft music, candles, flowers, scents, but don’t over do it (ie. loud music, etc.)
- You are welcome to sage, spray with rose water, , or anoint each other with purifying essential oils.
- Look into each other’s eyes with a relaxed gaze and synchronize your breathing.
- Enjoy kissing. If needed, ask to be kissed the way you like it.
- Offer loving touch, soft slow caresses to every part of each other’s bodies, including but not limited to the sexual parts.
- Stimulate the genitals, but then back off to allow the energy to move and integrate for 5 minutes or so.
- Let go of the idea you have to accomplish something. Your loving presence with each other no matter what happens is the most important thing that will build your intimacy.
- While allowing intercourse if it wants to happen, instead of the goal being a physical orgasm, back off from time to time before coming. Takes some minutes to breath together with eye contact.
- Physical orgasm is OK, but not the goal. We encourage you to be open to the possibility of longer lasting “energy orgasms.” Continue in this way for most of an hour. In this way, instead of depleting yourselves, you will be building loving energy as you may not have experienced before. Enjoy!
Most people don’t have the patience and motivation to learn and practice these tips because energy stealing has become such an ingrained pattern in the human psyche since the beginning of humanity. Ancient habits are hard to break. Therefore, it rare for couples to successfully transition to a truly rejuvenating way of sex without some kind of divine intervention.
The Oneness Way was specifically designed by angels to blissfully balance one’s own masculine and feminine energies first, so they no longer get fed on and have the compulsion to take from another. The Oneness Way is learned at I AM University’s Sexual Energy Mastery Course. This course is officially offered once a year in February, but Joa is willing to make a special class for two or more people upon request. To learn more click here.
Thank you for liking this article and offering your comments.
Joa White Eagle