Intimate relationships are the greatest challenge.  For the past 50 years, divorce rates have skyrocketed, number of single people have climbed to the majority of the population, and the number of women who give birth out of wedlock is increased to almost 40 percent.  About 60 percent of couples are unhappy with their relationship. Why? …

Here are some insightful reflections from people after divorce from a survey from wevorce.com

• “People are unhappy in marriage because they do it for the wrong reasons. If you choose to be married, you have to maintain your own identity and be willing to communicate and make known what your needs and wants are and be willing to listen to those of your spouse. It isn’t all about you, you need to compromise, but at the same time know what your boundaries are and be comfortable enough to be able to stay true to who you are while allowing someone else in. It’s difficult, It’s work.” 

• “The problem is we live in a [masculine] society that teaches independence instead of interdependence, and also teaches emotional vulnerability is a weakness.”
  intimacy
• “I think if both people had great relationships with themselves before they got married, there would be a better chance the relationship would work out. If you depend on someone else to make you feel complete, when they don’t live up to your expectation, you will just end up resenting them, when really it is your own issue.”

There are two basic ways to enter into a relationship.  

1. All chemistry, but little consciousness

This is the most popular way. It is being seduced by the duality virus. The duality virus is an imbalance in one’s sexual energy that causes one to feel a strong need for the opposite sex to feel whole.  Hundreds of thousands of years of DNA programming have men believing and feeling they need sex with a woman, and women believing they need a man’s energy, strength, and support to survive.  It shows up as the unconscious beliefs (powered by unresolved emotional wounds):  “I need the opposite sex to feel whole.  I need a man to make me feel like a woman.  I need a woman to make me feel like I am a man.” When we feel a strong longing, whether it be a need for sex or the need to be needed, we have the sexual energy virus, which always involves energy stealing, relationship drama, and sometimes great trauma.

For example, a young woman who has been sexually abused will feel very low self esteem.  She needs energy.  So she makes herself pretty.  Like turning on a switch, the duality virus makes her shine temporarily, as she learns how to look and act beautiful, even if she really doesn’t feel it.  She lures a man into bed. She steals energy from others, who tell her she is beautiful and give her some sexual and emotional comfort and maybe some financial help. As she continues to steal energy from others in this way,  from being a victim, she has become an abuser. This is how the Duality Virus works. Because she lacks self love, she is unable to sustain a loving relationship.  Every time she abuses another person to get energy, she falls to a lower level of disparity. These kind of painful relationships where someone or both partners feel used are karmic relationships that rarely evolve into harmonious intimacy because someone feels abused.

The Duality Virus is located in the gut but operates in the mind, and thus will have us deceiving ourselves and others for years, decades, and even lifetimes until it is irradiated.  It is a root cause of most compulsive behavior. Fortunately we at UMS have been given an ancient method eradicating the Duality Virus.  You can learn this simple method at our Love Revolution Workshop.

2. Less chemistry, and more consciousness

When a person has given up looking for love outside themselves and have anchored a lasting self love they become ready for a match with another whole person. Does that mean they will ride off into the sunset happily ever after?  Not exactly.  The inertia to steal energy usually takes years of work to completely change.  This is how it usually happens:

Wholeness is beautiful. Two people who are each feeling whole as individuals because they  have developed a good habit of  sourcing their happiness from their own connection to Creator. These two see each other’s magnificence,  a beautiful reflection of their own wholeness, wow!…  and  they FALL in love. Their energy “falls” because they start sourcing from each other.  Again, they begin energy stealing. “He/she makes me feel so good,”  is a statement of irresponsibility.  No one else makes you feel anything, but it seems this way because you are seeing this other person as your source of happiness. When they stop giving you the attention you had become dependent on, you’re going to feel cut off, abandoned, upset.  So after the honey-moon phase, power battles ensue. Again, these are the gender-wars we have been fighting since the beginning of human creation. Some couples just continue indefinitely, both fighting and compromising their values,  without getting real help, but these days, more couples just break it off. Conscious couples realize they BOTH need  to change their relationship pattern and hopefully get help with this.

How to Co-create Gender Peace 

We have these two apparently opposing perspectives of life that are at odds with each other until they are integrated within oneself… Socially, we see over half of the population are terrified of intimacy, a masculine reaction. The other half are terrified of being alone, the feminine reaction, and then there are those of us who have both fears.  Which fears do you relate to the most?

To begin, we must heal the duality war within ourselves. We must develop harmony between the opposite energies. Everyone has an inner male and inner female regardless of their body type. What happens in your relationships shows you how much your inner male and female are in harmony or not.  For most people these days, these two opposite forces are generally out of balance, and so being in a relationship is too big of a distraction from one’s need to get their own inner house in order first.

Real  relationships  act as mirrors to expose the shadows in ourselves we don’t want to see. They show us what we are projecting unconsciously.  Our disowned dark aspects get shown to us whether we like it or not. It takes a full willingness to work on ourselves, to look into the mirror of what we are unconsciously projecting.  But this is also the great gift of relationship; to help us see what we could not see before to help us wake-up out of our unconscious patterns into greater consciousness.

The New Intimacy  

The New intimacy is very simple, illustrated by the vesica piscis. We must have both a place to connect, share, communicate, and yet (if we look at the entire area of each individual circle) most of our time and energy is with ourselves.  The vesica piscis does not suggest complete merging.  We must have boundaries to how much of our time and energy are we going to share with our partner.  We must first be true to ourselves.  We each are responsible for our own needs, for our own feelings, and essentially for our own happiness regardless of how the other person treats us.   We also need to share, to be vulnerable, to let another into our heart, to listen, to be compassionate and patient. So mastering intimacy means giving most of your time to becoming more and more intimate with yourself. Then that time you share with another can be also truly intimate. It is very easy too get hooked into codependent patterns that give you a million excuses to not be with yourself, or with your lover in an intimate way, depending upon where most of your resistance is.

There is an ideal sweet spot where partners are having time with themselves and sharing time with each other in a balanced way, but it is normal for relationship intimacy to fluctuate.  They go in and out, more close and more distant – like a dance. Unhealthy relationships go into one extreme to the other, or back and forth like a cat and mouse. For example, if two people get so close to each other that they forget their own individuality and become enraptured with the other, this usually results is “moth to a flame” burn-out, followed by permanent separation because the attraction is too strong to manage. On the other hand, if individuals are too caught-up in their own lives, there is not enough juicy intimacy  to keep them together.  Another common imbalance is one person chasing the other for love, and the other is avoiding for fear of love.  In a healthy relationship, the couple dance in and out matching each other’s rhythms instead of chasing each other. This dance is frequent in, out, like daily cycles, instead of extreme dramatic cycles.  As the relationships evolves, they hopefully find a larger and larger sweet spot, as one person feels less intolerant of time apart and the other less intolerant of emotional closeness.

One person will tend to want to be together and react the most when their partner demands alone time.  The one who demands alone time will react when there seems to be  too much closeness and emotionalism – as they may feel trapped or smothered.  Here is a deeper look for why this happens.   Let’s call these two opposite emotional and brain hemisphere types that magically find each other The Intimacy Avoider, and Intimacy Seeker.

The intimacy avoider has childhood memories of being controlled or abused in some way.  Many intimacy avoiders are fixated on sex and other compulsions or addictions as a way of releasing tension and avoiding feelings.  If you tend to avoid intimacy, to be able to share your feelings and listen to your lover’s feelings, you need to learn how to let your guard down. Learning good communication tools would be helpful.

The intimacy seeker gets upset and confronting when he/she feels their lover is avoiding them.  The intimacy seeker has unhealed memories of being neglected. In their unhealed state, the intimacy seeker needs a love fix outside of themselves.  If you feel needy for a relationship, you probably learned to neglect yourself, because your needs were neglected when you were young.  Your healing is to love yourself better, especially when you are alone. Inner Bonding is an excellent tool.

Many people have experienced both sides of the abandonment coin/ both neglect and abuse, so they will experience episodes of both kinds of reactions, seeking and also avoiding intimacy. Even so, whatever is most unresolved within you will dictate the kind of person you will attract.  If you have more healing to do around being controlled and abused, you will avoid more, and thus attract an intimacy seeker who will be in your face to be more present with them. If you have more healing to do around being neglected, you will show up as a somewhat needy Intimacy Seeker and attract an Intimacy avoider.  One or both of you will either lose your patience if the unresolved material is too great, or you will learn to learn from each other, because each person models what the other person needs to do more for themselves.   The avoider needs to learn to be more open to love outside themselves and the seeker needs to seek their own loving better.

A mature couple have learned to not blame the other for their behavior and for speaking up for their need, even if it is uncomfortable to hear, and then make adjustments, as to help them both find greater balance.

Clearing The Heart Wall

We at UMS, have discovered the clearing of the resistance to intimacy can be greatly accelerated. Through muscle testing (Kinesiology) we discover trapped emotions in the body, usually in the heart chakra, that unconsciously distort one’s ability to be intimate with another.  We have not found anyone who does not have this Heart Wall. I had 8 trapped emotions in my heart, keeping me out of relationship. The very day I cleared that eighth emotion I dated a woman for the first time in four years, and another woman the next night, and another woman the night after that. One of those women actually said to me, “You didn’t seem available until now”. By the way, that third woman is now my beautiful wife, Maqua. Over the years, as we have issues come up, we clear whatever is unconsciously blocking our healthy intimacy with each other. You can receive an Accelerated Healing session from Maqua, myself or one of our students at a discounted rate. Just email us for this.

The truth about intimate relationships is that they can never be anything better than our relationship with ourselves. 

James Hollis, the Middle Passage

The Authentic Self is perfect balance of the apparent opposites, AND it can feel great to fulfill the sexual role your Soul has chosen in this life, at least for a while.  If you are a man, it feels great to be a provider to your family enjoy giving to your woman. If you are a woman it feels great to be beautiful, to be admired by a man’s love,  and to give birth to life in the form of babies and creativity.  (And sexual roles still exist for most gay couples). However, fulfilling your sexual role is a human programmed priority, not spiritually authentic, because the human motivation to be more masculine or feminine with others is based in duality.  When the sexual roles become overly defined, each individual tends to lean on each other, expecting the other to act out their idea of what the opposite gender should act like for their life to work. This is a set up for disappointment. As soon as one person gets tired of their role, of being a “partner” (part of another), their call to feel more whole and free of expectation can  feel very threatening to their “other half.”

For example, a woman will expect her man to pay her way, or listen to her problems,  and the man may expect his woman to be sweet, nice, cook, and give him sex.    Both will feel disappointed and used at some point if this continues, because really we are whole beings who are designed spiritually to be the source of our own happiness and fulfillment.

Much of the tension that arises in relationships is in service to each partner finding their greater wholeness, and the ego tends to resists this. The path to greater wholeness and harmony is often not easy.  The idea relationships should be a perfect dream all the time is nothing but a fairytale. Super loving relationships are going to purify every part of you that resists your own wholeness and balance.  If you can remember your Authentic Self IS perfect balance and wholeness already, and that whatever is coming up in your relationship is trying to serve the claiming of your wholeness in some way, the grinding away of your rough edges becomes much easier to tolerate.

The ultimate outcome is for each person to simply be their naturally loving Selves. Whatever has been in the way of allowing Love to be given and received freely and naturally gets to be ground away.  This doesn’t happen over night, and this grinding process can be a beautiful journey if each partner has enough maturity and skills to navigate the rough spots.

5 Elements of the New Intimacy

1. Passion 
   Passion is not sourced from the other person but shared from oneself.  Each person is responsible for fanning the fires of their own passion for life.  There are many practices for feeling more alive in your own body, and a great way is to truly make love sexually with yourself from time to time, especially when your lover is not in the mood or not available. The most important way of feeling passion is your own form of creativity.  If you are centering your life around your partner’s creativity, you are destined to be unhappy and be a drag on the relationship. By being committed to your own creative passion for life no matter what, you will have authentic passion to share in the relationship without expectation.
2. Boundaries
   If you desire to feel the freedom of your own sovereignty, you must be able to give this to your lover.  The old way of intimacy lacked boundaries, and so partners become energetically abusive. They unconsciously stole from each other’s energy, emotionally, sexually, and mentally.  (The SEA Virus spoken about earlier can be healed in our Sexual Energy Integration Workshop. ) You are 100 responsible for your own energy, and your beloved’s energy is not your business,  unless invited.
3. Honest, Loving Communication
   How you communicate is either going to deplete or fill-up your lover’s emotional bank account. This is not to say you are responsible for your lovers’s emotional well being, but your relationship with your lover can only last if you are being a giver more than a taker. Do you communicate more to be understood, or to understand? Old world relationships usually lack loving communication and they communicate too much on the mental level. The mental level is only a fragment of real intimacy, which is a multidimensional experience bigger than words can say.  You can learn to connect at all chakras (levels of consciousness), not just on the sexual or mental levels.  If you are focused on being understood more than being understanding, you are being an energy taker. See if you can enjoy more connection without having to talk so much. Allow the eyes and bodies to connect more. Your heart connection is most important. Allow words of truth to come from this heart space.Loving communication with your lover happens when you are already in loving communication with yourself. In the New Intimacy,  you are letting go of the insane belief “your beloved makes you feel certain ways, and you are to make them feel certain ways.” He/she may trigger feelings in you but they are not the cause.  You must remember you do have domain over your thoughts and feelings.  If and when you get triggered, it’s your own responsibility to heal it in yourself. To stay out of trouble with your lover, refrain from starting your sentences with “You.”  Judging your partner empties out their emotional bank account very fast.  Use “I” statements, sharing your own feelings about the circumstances, not your judgments about them. If you do have a judgment about them, it is really about something in yourself you have yet to forgive yourself for. For example, if they tend to over-eat, you are still judging yourself for doing the same, if not this life in a past life.  Forgive yourself for this same behavior so you can come back in to authentic acceptance.
4. Compassion
   Real compassion is acceptance of yourself and your beloved, no matter what you each are going through. It is giving up the ego need to change yourself or change your partner. It is realizing an underlying perfection beneath each imperfect appearance; that growth and learning are already taking place by things being exactly as they are now.
5. Shared Purpose
   Now days couples usually need a bigger reason to stay together other than raising children. Women no longer need a man’s protection and provisions. Both sexes are beginning to integrate the opposite sex within themselves so that even sex is starting to lose it’s perceived need. The new intimacy usually involves both individuals having a shared purpose to make the world a better place.

Entering the Age of “the Individual”

There is a lot of bad rap about humanity becoming too individualistic, but how can any authentic form of community exist if people aren’t being true to themselves first?   For thousands of years of religious and governmental control (especially concerning marriage), humans have not felt free to be completely true themselves, especially women.  No wonder over half of the population are single, and most relationships are not happy ones.  The old form of marriage threatened our unique individuality. More people are now claiming their own sovereignty, and will allow nothing to stand in the way of it, including a relationship.  I see this as a beautiful thing. We each must win our inner freedom before we can know how to relate with others in a freeing way.   How can you love another if you don’t feel free yourself?  The sexual energy abuse virus will just have you entrapping another person into your perceived neediness.

A new kind of intimacy arises from a new intimacy developing within each individual. The root meaning of the word individual means “undivided.” A relationship should not divide you. For the first time in human history after much suffering via reactive co-dependent relationships with others based on so many self limiting expectations of what marriage should be,  more and more people are getting space to discover their own sovereignty. We can let go of seeing the high divorce rate and majority of people being single as a bad thing. For the first time in human history, humans are finally discovering themselves. Spirituality is on the rise. More and more people desire to live their greater potential without distractions. So I invite you to learn to enjoy a new intimacy with yourself. This includes the marriage of the masculine and feminine aspects within you, so you are no longer run by seductive sexual energy. Once you have fully established balance and self love, you can attract your balanced and loving mate if this is your desire.

For the last few thousand years, humanity has been learning the hard way… relationships are mostly painful until we become more intimate with ourselves first. In this time of great change, so much integration of new energies is happening for each of us who are open to personal growth! The old ritual of marriage is losing it’s romantic grip as more couples are learning how to balance their individuality and couple time, without making promises they cannot keep. Relationships are shifting from quantity to quality of time together. As a result, a higher quality commitment can emerge based on each person’s greater commitment to themselves. Giving time and energy for self, must have the precedence for an authentic intimacy to be enjoyed with another. After all, real love can only be self-love shared.

What is the Divine Feminine and Masculine?  

Surprisingly,  through spiritual channeling, it has been revealed the original qualities of the divine feminine is Strength, Creativity,  and Birth, and the masculine is support and nurturance.  The greatest strength is in women.  You do not hear of a man lifting a car off his child, but you hear of women doing this! The feminine strength is way – way under-rated. I am not talking about women giving-up their feminine side and acting like men in order to survive -so commonly seen today.  No, the real essence of femininity is very strong.  And, the man is here to nurture the woman, to nurture life.  Wow, how did our energies get so skewed.  Well that is a long story.  But as I embrace this, I feel this is what I really am.  I am a man who loves to nurture women, both women outside of me, and my inner creative woman.   We must refuse to see women as weak anymore, because nothing could be further from the truth. As long as we believe women are weak, we will keep fighting to protect her.  Instead of protecting her, we simply need to love her internally as the woman inside ourselves and externally as the women in our lives. Then we will be protected because the greatest strength is her love. Love conquers all. The masculine strength, is false.  It is ego.  And, now the world is waking up to this. Feminine strength of loving is rising! Let’s nurture her!  By nurturing the feminine, we are nurturing our real strength!

But so many women have been wounded for a very long time.  This healing of all the abuse memories requires much patience from men.  And, the healing of men’s shame requires much patience from women. This healing and integration can be accelerated by our offerings below.

The Rise of Harmonic Soul Mate Relationships

Like a phoenix rising out of the ashes, a new breed of soul-mate relationships are emerging.  Spiritually awakened sovereign individuals are finding each other.  In fact, if you are reading this, it is likely you are a Star-seed, one who has already attained a level of enlightenment in your past lives, here to help awaken humanity to their freedom by demonstrating your own freedom.  Deep within you, you already know your real essence is already free of fear’s illusion.  You know you are deeply loved beyond comprehension and that you are an eternal soul with love that shines like a sun.   Many of us have already attained our enlightenment as lone individuals (for that was the only way it was done before), but now we are up to the challenge of sharing our path of enlightenment with another.

Personally, I find great hope in this emerging new kind of soul-mate relationship as I feel greater and greater freedom from the sexual energy virus. The control dramas I used to get into with my beloved wife are melting away – as I embrace the divine female and male within me.   Sharing love with a partner becomes a multidimensional experience.  Instead of just being a man hungry for sex to cool my jets, I am both man and woman uniting in ecstasy both with myself and with my lover simultaneously.

Check our Attract the Love of your Life Retreat, where you do the inner work necessary to attract your ideal soul mate.

Check out Accelerated Healing to clear your “Heart Wall” ASAP!